Capítulo 11: The Commander and the Idiot
Note: I like Fighters. I really do. I just don’t like playing them as if they are dumb. You know? The kind of Warrior that only likes to kill stuff and can’t even spell his own name. I like to give my Warriors more edge and versatility, meaning that I usually try to make them intelligent. I mean… have you ever imagined a Fighter with an intelligence of six? Now try to imagine a conversation with him…
The Commander was feeling very happy. Why was he feeling very happy? Because it was a damn fine day for starting a war, that’s why. He didn’t know why they were starting a war. He didn’t even know with whom they would be fighting against. But he didn’t care about those silly details… he was a man of action; born into this world only to make sure others would leave sooner.
Alas, in order to win a war, you need men to kill the enemy for you. The Commander sighed.
“Next!” – yelled the Commander.
A soldier walked into his tent and saluted the Commander.
“We have only one more guy that wants to join the army, sir.” – said the soldier.
Only one more guy? Damn! They needed at least two hundred more soldiers in order to win the war. Or a party of six adventurers. Which ever came first.
“Let him in.” – said the Commander.
A tall and well built man entered the tent, as the soldier left.
“Well, well… a fellow Fighter. Good! We need more of your type in here. Lots of those damn Rogues and Wizards in here. I hate them!” – said the Commander.
“Duuhhh!” – said the Fighter.
“What was that?”
“Duuuhhh, sir!”
“Good. Why are you here, my fellow Warrior?”
“Me wants to use sharp thing.”
“You what?”
“Me wants to use sharp thing, sir.”
“No, man! “What” the hell was that? What sharp thing?”
Fighter showed the Commander his sword. It appeared to be made out of wood.
“Ohhh! You want to fight, huh? Good for you, lad!” – said the Commander.
“Duuuhhhh!”
“Very well! You will receive 15 gold coins per day. Is that okay?”
“Okay!” – said the Fighter.
“Good!”
“Okay!”
“Yes…”
“Okay!”
“Do you understand me, lad?” – asked the Commander.
“Okay!”
“Too many blows on the head, huh? Can you fight?”
“Do what?” – asked the Fighter.
“Can you use the sharp thing?”
“Yessss! Duuuhhhh!”
“Son. I like men with an attitude and with muscle. You have them. But what about wits? And the wisdom of ages?”
“I like the pretty horsies!”
“Look, lad… I like you. I really do. But I need someone that can think… Can you think?” – asked the Commander.
“No… Yes… Is it bathing time yet?”
“Errr… No… Thank Helm, no… Boy, you have to prove yourself to me. Quickly, now! Do you know how to count?”
“Duuhhhh!”
“Good! One plus one equals…”
Silence.
“You are supposed to answer…” – explained the Commander.
“What?”
“The question.”
“Okay.”
More silence.
“Look, lad. It is simple! One finger plus one finger equals…”
“A cake?” – said the Fighter.
“Yes… I am beginning to like Wizards… At least they can keep up with a discussion… Look! This is the last test! The Grand Finale!”
“The what what?”
“Your last chance.”
“And then we dance?”
“Torm save me! Errr… Show me your right arm.”
“Bunnies.”
”Commander: Right arm. Show it! Now!” – ordered the Commander.
The Fighter seemed to understand the order, or at least he didn’t look completely lost. He was concentrating… he was thinking… he was about to do something… and…
“Go on, lad!”
The Fighter showed the Commander his left leg.
“By Ilmater´s shorts! You damn silly son of a brick! Get out! Now!”
“More chocolate, if you please!” – said the Fighter.
That was definitely the last straw.
“Arthur! Balkins! Show this… Idiot… The way out! Don’t worry. You have my permission to kick him in the rear, when the time comes.”
The two soldiers that had been outside grabbed the Fighter and started to take him away.
“Right, sir! Why would I want to kick him, sir?” – asked Arthur.
“You will see, lad. You will see.” – said the Commander.
Alas, in order to win a war, you need men to kill the enemy for you. The Commander sighed.
“Next!” – yelled the Commander.
A soldier walked into his tent and saluted the Commander.
“We have only one more guy that wants to join the army, sir.” – said the soldier.
Only one more guy? Damn! They needed at least two hundred more soldiers in order to win the war. Or a party of six adventurers. Which ever came first.
“Let him in.” – said the Commander.
A tall and well built man entered the tent, as the soldier left.
“Well, well… a fellow Fighter. Good! We need more of your type in here. Lots of those damn Rogues and Wizards in here. I hate them!” – said the Commander.
“Duuhhh!” – said the Fighter.
“What was that?”
“Duuuhhh, sir!”
“Good. Why are you here, my fellow Warrior?”
“Me wants to use sharp thing.”
“You what?”
“Me wants to use sharp thing, sir.”
“No, man! “What” the hell was that? What sharp thing?”
Fighter showed the Commander his sword. It appeared to be made out of wood.
“Ohhh! You want to fight, huh? Good for you, lad!” – said the Commander.
“Duuuhhhh!”
“Very well! You will receive 15 gold coins per day. Is that okay?”
“Okay!” – said the Fighter.
“Good!”
“Okay!”
“Yes…”
“Okay!”
“Do you understand me, lad?” – asked the Commander.
“Okay!”
“Too many blows on the head, huh? Can you fight?”
“Do what?” – asked the Fighter.
“Can you use the sharp thing?”
“Yessss! Duuuhhhh!”
“Son. I like men with an attitude and with muscle. You have them. But what about wits? And the wisdom of ages?”
“I like the pretty horsies!”
“Look, lad… I like you. I really do. But I need someone that can think… Can you think?” – asked the Commander.
“No… Yes… Is it bathing time yet?”
“Errr… No… Thank Helm, no… Boy, you have to prove yourself to me. Quickly, now! Do you know how to count?”
“Duuhhhh!”
“Good! One plus one equals…”
Silence.
“You are supposed to answer…” – explained the Commander.
“What?”
“The question.”
“Okay.”
More silence.
“Look, lad. It is simple! One finger plus one finger equals…”
“A cake?” – said the Fighter.
“Yes… I am beginning to like Wizards… At least they can keep up with a discussion… Look! This is the last test! The Grand Finale!”
“The what what?”
“Your last chance.”
“And then we dance?”
“Torm save me! Errr… Show me your right arm.”
“Bunnies.”
”Commander: Right arm. Show it! Now!” – ordered the Commander.
The Fighter seemed to understand the order, or at least he didn’t look completely lost. He was concentrating… he was thinking… he was about to do something… and…
“Go on, lad!”
The Fighter showed the Commander his left leg.
“By Ilmater´s shorts! You damn silly son of a brick! Get out! Now!”
“More chocolate, if you please!” – said the Fighter.
That was definitely the last straw.
“Arthur! Balkins! Show this… Idiot… The way out! Don’t worry. You have my permission to kick him in the rear, when the time comes.”
The two soldiers that had been outside grabbed the Fighter and started to take him away.
“Right, sir! Why would I want to kick him, sir?” – asked Arthur.
“You will see, lad. You will see.” – said the Commander.