Capítulo 12: The Amazing Five
Note: Before the release of NWN 2, there was a huge debate in the Forum about NWN and its future. Many thought that the game would eventually die. I don’t agree. A game can’t just die like that. It will take years and probably then the game will be viewed as a classic. But what if NWN refused to die? What if NWN became a zombie game? Who would save us?
A zombie game? This looks like a job for The Amazing Five.
*Sound effects*
The Amazing Five
1. Van Helsing
2. Anakin Skywalker
3. Neo
4. Old Ghostbuster
5. Tom Cruise
…
The General sighed. He hated to resort to those losers, but he didn’t have any other choice.
The cyborg pressed a button and the conversation via hologram started.
“Van Helsing? Are you there Van Helsing?” – asked Grievous.
The hologram of a man appeared before Grievous. Strangely enough, the man was still wearing his pyjamas.
“Yes, Supreme leader?” – said Van Helsing.
The cyborg nodded. Indeed the man before him was none other than the famous Van Helsing, a very lethal and effective undead hunter.
“We have a mission for you and your boys. You have to take down Bioware, a game company that deals with the undead and strange cults.” – said Grievous.
“Bioware? I have heard of that demon. I will do my best, sir.”
“Good. You mission is to destroy Bioware and put a stop to the undead games, all with the codename Neverwinter Nights. This hologram will self-destruct in five seconds.”
“What?” – asked Van Helsing.
The hologram machine exploded, burning half of Van Helsing´s room.
“I didn’t catch the last bit, sir.” – said Van Helsing.
…
“Team up, guys!” – yelled Van Helsing.
Tom Cruise appeared from nowhere and started jumping around like a mad dog.
“I am here! And I am so in love!” – said Tom Cruise, while jumping around.
“Calm down, son!” – said Van Helsing.
“I love her soooo much! Wanna see how much I love her?”
Tom Cruise punched Van Helsing right on the face.
“You see? I must love her!”
“Yes. I believe you… just don’t hit me again! I think you broke my nose…” – said Van Helsing.
Old Ghostbuster appeared from behind the undead hunter.
“Who ya gonna call?” – asked the old Ghostbuster.
“My one true love?” – asked Tom Cruise.
“Errr… Okay! And after that?”
“Pizza?”
“I hate you.” – said the old Ghostbuster.
Neo appeared and made a dramatic slow motion pose.
“Have no fear, the One is here.” – said Neo.
Anakin appeared and pushed Neo against the wall.
“What? How many times must I tell you that I am the One, you nerd!” – yelled Anakin.
“There is room only for one One. And I am that One. Got it, Mr. “I kill everyone for love”?” – said Neo.
“I am the One, ya slowpoke! I am the only One! I am “the” One!”
“Not on my movie, sucker!”
“Your movie? Which one? The Matrix Revolutions? You appear so little in that movie, that it should be called “Finding Neo”!”
“At least I am not a whining bastard.”
“I am not whining! I am the best! Obi-Wan was slowing me down! I am the most powerful of them all! The Jedi are to blame! They were slowing me down!” – said Anakin.
“Oh, suck a lemon!”
“Oh, I should just kick your arse!” – said Neo.
“Bring it on, stone face!”
“I am a stone face? The love of your life is dieing and you look as expressionless as your IQ.”
“Yes, I should just scream “Noooo!”…” – mocked Neo.
“Oh, damn you!” – said Anakin.
Neo made some slow motion moves and said:
“You die, Jedi!”
Anakin picked up his lightsaber and yelled:
“Just die already, Mr. Anderson!”
“What have I done?” – mumbled Van Helsing.
Tom Cruise appeared between the two men.
“I love her soooo much!” – he said.
Van Helsing sighed. Why him?
…
Bioware´s evil lair was dark and… well… it was mostly dark. You could say that it was evil looking, but it wasn’t really that evil looking. It was definitely dark, though.
“Muah-ah-ah-ah-ah! No one is going to stop my evil plot!” – said Bioware.
Silence.
“I said: No one is going to stop my evil plot!” – said Bioware.
More silence.
“I said…”
Van Helsing appeared from behind a shadow and yelled:
“We heard you!”
“That was your cue, you idiot!” – said Bioware.
“Opppss! You are right! Can we do this again?”
“Do I have a choice?” – mumbled Bioware.
The villain cleared his throat and yelled:
“Muah-ah-ah-ah-ah! No one is going to stop my evil plot!”
“Not so fast, Bioware!” – said Van Helsing.
The villain looked surprised.
“Curses!” – he said.
Van Helsing nodded and then made a few dramatic moves.
“Prepare to be destroyed by…”
The rest of the team appeared behind the undead hunter and also made several dramatic moves.
“The Amazing Five!” – they yelled.
“By whom?” – asked Bioware.
“Us!” – said Van Helsing.
Bioware looked a bit confused and then showed an evil grin.
“You are joking, right?”
“Amazing Five… Prepare for the big fight!” – said Van Helsing.
“I have the power of love!” – said Tom Cruise, while jumping around the undead hunter.
“Who ya gonna call?” – asked the old Ghostbuster.
“My mom?” – asked Tom Cruise.
The old Ghostbuster´s glare could have melted icebergs.
“I said this once, and I will say it again… I hate you.”
“Beware, villains. Your arses shall be kicked, slow motion wise.” – said Neo.
“This should be interesting!” – said Anakin.
Van Helsing picked up his crossbow and pointed it towards the villain.
“This crossbow can fire 100 bolts for second. You are toasted, Bioware!” – said Van Helsing.
“I am what? That’s so lame!” – mumbled Bioware.
“Well… I am under some pressure! Gezzz! Some ungrateful villain, you are! I mean, we are here just to stop you…”
“You should have said: I pity the fool. It always works.” – said Neo.
“Really? I pity the fool! I pity the fool! I like it!” – said Van Helsing.
“That is also lame!” – said Anakin.
“Says you, lame boy.” – said Neo.
“What?”
“Did you hear your love lines? I mean… that’s lame!”
“You take that back! What I said was what I was feeling!”
“Then you must be a void of emotions.” – mocked Neo.
“And your love speeches were that good, huh?”
“What does that mean?”
“Your dialogs with Mr. Smith had more love then the ones with Trinity!” – said Anakin.
“That’s it! You are dead!” – said Neo.
“Bring it on!” – yelled Anakin.
Both started fighting, completely ignoring their leader’s orders for them to stop acting like idiots.
“Errr…” – said Bioware.
“I am in love! My love is like a loving river of love, love! Full of love as any lover could love!” – said Tom Cruise, while hugging the old Ghostbuster.
“You are sick!” – said the old Ghostbuster.
“I am sick, yes! I am in love! Do you know how much I love her?”
“A lot?” – asked old Ghostbuster.
Tom Cruise grabbed the Old Ghostbuster´s neck and started to tighten his grip.
“This much!” – yelled Tom Cruise as he broke the old Ghostbuster´s neck.
Van Helsing looked at the spectacle and sighed.
“I am so in love!” – said Tom Cruise.
“Shouldn’t you be trying to stop me or something?” – asked Bioware, that was beginning to feel a bit ignored.
Neo and Anakin were still fighting.
“I will kick you so hard, that you will have to ask Yoda to help you sit down!” – said Neo.
“I will cut your legs and make you dodge bullets without them!” – said Anakin.
“My name means One, ya bastard!”
“What?”
“Am I interrupting something?” – asked Bioware.
“Spell it backwards!” – said Neo.
“Eno?” – said Anakin.
“Damn! I mean… it’s an anagram!”
“Wow! I guess that makes you the One.”
“Really?”
“You wish!” – said Anakin.
“My love has an anagram, too. She alikes Tom.” – said Tom Cruise.
“What am I? Chopped liver?” – yelled Bioware.
“Enough!” – yelled Van Helsing.
Van Helsing shot thousands bolts at Neo and Anakin. The Jedi fell on the floor dead. Strangely enough, Neo was still alive.
“You are alive?” – asked Van Helsing.
“I dodged all of them. Damn, I am good!” – said Neo.
“But… but… you have a bolt stuck to your head.” – said Bioware.
“I have?” – asked Neo.
“Yes.”
“And is it lethal?”
“I guess so.”
“Damn…” – mumbled Neo.
Neo died and fell on the floor… in slow motion.
“Now it is just you and me, Bioware!” – said Van Helsing.
“And the power of love!” – said Tom Cruise.
Van Helsing shot bolts at Tom Cruise.
“Just you and me, Bioware.” – said Van Helsing.
“You fool! I can stop you!” – said Bioware.
Bioware gave him a copy of the NWN´s manual.
“What madness is this? This isn’t right! This manual is full of mistakes and false information!” – said Van Helsing.
“Muah-ah-ah-ah!”
“You fiend! You fiend!”
“You have failed, Van Helsing!”
“No! I won’t…”
Van Helsing used all of his willpower, but alas all of his efforts were in vain. He read the first pages of the manual, and his brains started to melt down. The undead hunter was now a brainless zombie.
“You are now my slave.” – said Bioware.
“Yes, Master…” – said Van Helsing.
“Now go and play NWN! Shoo!” – said Bioware.
“Yes, Master…”
“Muah-ah-ah-ah-ah!”
*Sound effects*
The Amazing Five
1. Van Helsing
2. Anakin Skywalker
3. Neo
4. Old Ghostbuster
5. Tom Cruise
…
The General sighed. He hated to resort to those losers, but he didn’t have any other choice.
The cyborg pressed a button and the conversation via hologram started.
“Van Helsing? Are you there Van Helsing?” – asked Grievous.
The hologram of a man appeared before Grievous. Strangely enough, the man was still wearing his pyjamas.
“Yes, Supreme leader?” – said Van Helsing.
The cyborg nodded. Indeed the man before him was none other than the famous Van Helsing, a very lethal and effective undead hunter.
“We have a mission for you and your boys. You have to take down Bioware, a game company that deals with the undead and strange cults.” – said Grievous.
“Bioware? I have heard of that demon. I will do my best, sir.”
“Good. You mission is to destroy Bioware and put a stop to the undead games, all with the codename Neverwinter Nights. This hologram will self-destruct in five seconds.”
“What?” – asked Van Helsing.
The hologram machine exploded, burning half of Van Helsing´s room.
“I didn’t catch the last bit, sir.” – said Van Helsing.
…
“Team up, guys!” – yelled Van Helsing.
Tom Cruise appeared from nowhere and started jumping around like a mad dog.
“I am here! And I am so in love!” – said Tom Cruise, while jumping around.
“Calm down, son!” – said Van Helsing.
“I love her soooo much! Wanna see how much I love her?”
Tom Cruise punched Van Helsing right on the face.
“You see? I must love her!”
“Yes. I believe you… just don’t hit me again! I think you broke my nose…” – said Van Helsing.
Old Ghostbuster appeared from behind the undead hunter.
“Who ya gonna call?” – asked the old Ghostbuster.
“My one true love?” – asked Tom Cruise.
“Errr… Okay! And after that?”
“Pizza?”
“I hate you.” – said the old Ghostbuster.
Neo appeared and made a dramatic slow motion pose.
“Have no fear, the One is here.” – said Neo.
Anakin appeared and pushed Neo against the wall.
“What? How many times must I tell you that I am the One, you nerd!” – yelled Anakin.
“There is room only for one One. And I am that One. Got it, Mr. “I kill everyone for love”?” – said Neo.
“I am the One, ya slowpoke! I am the only One! I am “the” One!”
“Not on my movie, sucker!”
“Your movie? Which one? The Matrix Revolutions? You appear so little in that movie, that it should be called “Finding Neo”!”
“At least I am not a whining bastard.”
“I am not whining! I am the best! Obi-Wan was slowing me down! I am the most powerful of them all! The Jedi are to blame! They were slowing me down!” – said Anakin.
“Oh, suck a lemon!”
“Oh, I should just kick your arse!” – said Neo.
“Bring it on, stone face!”
“I am a stone face? The love of your life is dieing and you look as expressionless as your IQ.”
“Yes, I should just scream “Noooo!”…” – mocked Neo.
“Oh, damn you!” – said Anakin.
Neo made some slow motion moves and said:
“You die, Jedi!”
Anakin picked up his lightsaber and yelled:
“Just die already, Mr. Anderson!”
“What have I done?” – mumbled Van Helsing.
Tom Cruise appeared between the two men.
“I love her soooo much!” – he said.
Van Helsing sighed. Why him?
…
Bioware´s evil lair was dark and… well… it was mostly dark. You could say that it was evil looking, but it wasn’t really that evil looking. It was definitely dark, though.
“Muah-ah-ah-ah-ah! No one is going to stop my evil plot!” – said Bioware.
Silence.
“I said: No one is going to stop my evil plot!” – said Bioware.
More silence.
“I said…”
Van Helsing appeared from behind a shadow and yelled:
“We heard you!”
“That was your cue, you idiot!” – said Bioware.
“Opppss! You are right! Can we do this again?”
“Do I have a choice?” – mumbled Bioware.
The villain cleared his throat and yelled:
“Muah-ah-ah-ah-ah! No one is going to stop my evil plot!”
“Not so fast, Bioware!” – said Van Helsing.
The villain looked surprised.
“Curses!” – he said.
Van Helsing nodded and then made a few dramatic moves.
“Prepare to be destroyed by…”
The rest of the team appeared behind the undead hunter and also made several dramatic moves.
“The Amazing Five!” – they yelled.
“By whom?” – asked Bioware.
“Us!” – said Van Helsing.
Bioware looked a bit confused and then showed an evil grin.
“You are joking, right?”
“Amazing Five… Prepare for the big fight!” – said Van Helsing.
“I have the power of love!” – said Tom Cruise, while jumping around the undead hunter.
“Who ya gonna call?” – asked the old Ghostbuster.
“My mom?” – asked Tom Cruise.
The old Ghostbuster´s glare could have melted icebergs.
“I said this once, and I will say it again… I hate you.”
“Beware, villains. Your arses shall be kicked, slow motion wise.” – said Neo.
“This should be interesting!” – said Anakin.
Van Helsing picked up his crossbow and pointed it towards the villain.
“This crossbow can fire 100 bolts for second. You are toasted, Bioware!” – said Van Helsing.
“I am what? That’s so lame!” – mumbled Bioware.
“Well… I am under some pressure! Gezzz! Some ungrateful villain, you are! I mean, we are here just to stop you…”
“You should have said: I pity the fool. It always works.” – said Neo.
“Really? I pity the fool! I pity the fool! I like it!” – said Van Helsing.
“That is also lame!” – said Anakin.
“Says you, lame boy.” – said Neo.
“What?”
“Did you hear your love lines? I mean… that’s lame!”
“You take that back! What I said was what I was feeling!”
“Then you must be a void of emotions.” – mocked Neo.
“And your love speeches were that good, huh?”
“What does that mean?”
“Your dialogs with Mr. Smith had more love then the ones with Trinity!” – said Anakin.
“That’s it! You are dead!” – said Neo.
“Bring it on!” – yelled Anakin.
Both started fighting, completely ignoring their leader’s orders for them to stop acting like idiots.
“Errr…” – said Bioware.
“I am in love! My love is like a loving river of love, love! Full of love as any lover could love!” – said Tom Cruise, while hugging the old Ghostbuster.
“You are sick!” – said the old Ghostbuster.
“I am sick, yes! I am in love! Do you know how much I love her?”
“A lot?” – asked old Ghostbuster.
Tom Cruise grabbed the Old Ghostbuster´s neck and started to tighten his grip.
“This much!” – yelled Tom Cruise as he broke the old Ghostbuster´s neck.
Van Helsing looked at the spectacle and sighed.
“I am so in love!” – said Tom Cruise.
“Shouldn’t you be trying to stop me or something?” – asked Bioware, that was beginning to feel a bit ignored.
Neo and Anakin were still fighting.
“I will kick you so hard, that you will have to ask Yoda to help you sit down!” – said Neo.
“I will cut your legs and make you dodge bullets without them!” – said Anakin.
“My name means One, ya bastard!”
“What?”
“Am I interrupting something?” – asked Bioware.
“Spell it backwards!” – said Neo.
“Eno?” – said Anakin.
“Damn! I mean… it’s an anagram!”
“Wow! I guess that makes you the One.”
“Really?”
“You wish!” – said Anakin.
“My love has an anagram, too. She alikes Tom.” – said Tom Cruise.
“What am I? Chopped liver?” – yelled Bioware.
“Enough!” – yelled Van Helsing.
Van Helsing shot thousands bolts at Neo and Anakin. The Jedi fell on the floor dead. Strangely enough, Neo was still alive.
“You are alive?” – asked Van Helsing.
“I dodged all of them. Damn, I am good!” – said Neo.
“But… but… you have a bolt stuck to your head.” – said Bioware.
“I have?” – asked Neo.
“Yes.”
“And is it lethal?”
“I guess so.”
“Damn…” – mumbled Neo.
Neo died and fell on the floor… in slow motion.
“Now it is just you and me, Bioware!” – said Van Helsing.
“And the power of love!” – said Tom Cruise.
Van Helsing shot bolts at Tom Cruise.
“Just you and me, Bioware.” – said Van Helsing.
“You fool! I can stop you!” – said Bioware.
Bioware gave him a copy of the NWN´s manual.
“What madness is this? This isn’t right! This manual is full of mistakes and false information!” – said Van Helsing.
“Muah-ah-ah-ah!”
“You fiend! You fiend!”
“You have failed, Van Helsing!”
“No! I won’t…”
Van Helsing used all of his willpower, but alas all of his efforts were in vain. He read the first pages of the manual, and his brains started to melt down. The undead hunter was now a brainless zombie.
“You are now my slave.” – said Bioware.
“Yes, Master…” – said Van Helsing.
“Now go and play NWN! Shoo!” – said Bioware.
“Yes, Master…”
“Muah-ah-ah-ah-ah!”