Chapter 15: The most evil of all creatures
Note: I love villains. I really do. And the thing I like most about villains, besides the maniacal laugh, is their evil plot to take over the world. Why would they want to rule the world, anyway? It would only give the villains troubles and headaches. And what would the villain be without their infamous minions? Just a damn eccentric guy, I guess. But who is the best minion for a villain, I wonder?
Mr. Evil was a villain. He was probably the worst villain of all times, but he would never admit it. His idea of an evil act was to steal candy from a baby. He was, let’s face it, a loser. But he was nevertheless a very determined loser.
“At last! After many years of studying the mystical arts and being the centre of my fellow spellcasters jokes… I did it!” – yelled Mr. Evil.
Igor clapped his master’s efforts. You had to give it him at least that, or else he would start crying for his mother. And Igor was very afraid of Mr. Evil´s mother.
“Good, masther! Good!” – said Igor, while rolling his eyes.
The villain pretended not to notice his servant’s mockery.
“And they said that I was mad! Mad, I tell! Mad! Mu-ah-ah-ahh-ahhhhh!”
“Don’t know why, shir!”
There was a pause. It was a dreadful pause, which was used after someone said a bad joke or farted… usually at the same time.
“Because I “am” mad, Igor!” – said Mr. Evil.
“Oh! Never saw it coming, masther.” – mumbled Igor.
The villain picked up a scroll of some sorts and showed it to his servant.
“And now… the spell of Chaos and Destruction! It will be the end of the world as we know it!” – yelled Mr. Evil.
Igor looked a bit uncertain and then said: “Actually, shir, I don’t know much about it.”
“Shut up, man! You are ruining my evil and chaotic mood!”
“So sorry, masther!”
Bah! Servants! Who needs them anyway? They are only useful at cleaning, cooking, taking care of the garden… Okay, they had their uses. Damn! If only he knew how to cook something besides a sandwich with mustard… and he hated mustard.
“And now… come forward my creature of evil! Minion of Chaos! You shall appear now!” – ordered Mr. Evil.
A dark and mysterious dimensional portal suddenly opened before the villain.
“And now… the mystical words! The ones that I have wasted all of my life looking for… Abra-kadabra!” – said Mr. Evil.
Igor looked a bit confused and then said: “You have wasted your life looking for those words, masther?”
“Shut up!”
Then… a bright light blinded the two men.
“Ah! I can’t see!” – cried Mr. Evil.
“Maybe it is because of the bright light, shir? Just a suggestion.”
“I already told a thousand times to shut… Oh! It is here!”
A strange shape was standing behind the smoke.
“Oh… Is it a Slaad Lord? Or a Tiefling?” – wondered Mr. Evil.
“Worst, masther.” – said Igor.
“How do you know?”
“We, Igors, can sense true “evil” and “chaos”, masther. In a scale of 1 to 10, this guy is a 20.”
“I almost peed in my pants, Igor.”
“Again, shir?”
“Shut up, man!” – yelled Mr. Evil.
Igor nodded calmly and then gestured for his master to carry on with the show.
“Creature! Appear! Now!” – said the villain.
The creature appeared from behind the smoke.
“It is… strange looking, no?” – said Mr. Evil.
“Tell me about it, shir!” – said Igor.
“Hello!” – said the creature.
“What is your vile and corrupted name, oh fiend from Chaos?” – asked Mr. Evil.
“Mesa is named Jar Jar Binks!” – said the creature.
“Jar Jar… What? That’s not very chaotic!” – said Mr. Evil.
“No? Mesa is very happy! Yousa is very nice bubby!” – said Jar Jar Binks.
“I am a what? I feel offended, but I don’t know what he said!”
“He is odd…” – mumbled Igor.
“Oh? That’s the opinion of an Igor? Igor that is full of stitches and of dead people parts?” – growled Mr. Evil.
“Yes.”
“Whoa! He must be really odd!”
“My point, shir!”
“Yousa want to play?” – asked Jar Jar Binks.
“Errr… No! I will test him, Igor! You there… creature…” – said Mr. Evil.
“Mesa is Jar Jar, you funny clowney!”
“Again with the insults! Make chaos! Now!”
“What? You want mesa to make a poopoo?”
“A what?”
“I won’t translate it, shir!” – said Igor.
“Just do something, Jar Jar!” – ordered Mr. Evil.
…
Some time after… The evil lair was completely destroyed and on fire…
“My house! My work! All gone!”- cried Mr. Evil.
“Yes, shir…” – said Igor.
“How? What? When?”
“The creature touched a bottle that was full of exploding stuff, shir.”
“The one that said “Don’t touch”, Igor?”
“Afraid so, masther. And then he tried put off the fire, but instead of picking up the jar full of water, he picked up an even more explosive bottle… Dramatic, shir!”
“More explosions, then?”
“And then pushed you and you fell off the tower. You are lucky to be alive!”
“I remember now… What did he say afterwards?” – asked Mr. Evil.
“I think it was “Sorry! Oppsss… Mesa made a poopoo!”, masther.” – said Igor.
“I wanted Chaos… But this is too much! Maybe some Red Squirrels or a Red Dragon… But this creature… it is pure evil!”
“I have to agree with you, shir.”
“I will send it to a place where it will not cause any harm!” – said Mr. Evil.
The villain opened a portal and then tricked the creature into entering the mysterious gateway to another dimension.
“Thank you, shir! This may be the start of a beautiful friendship!” – said Igor.
“Shut up!” – yelled Mr. Evil.
…
In another dimension…
George Lucas, proud creator of Star Wars, was talking to a friend, whose name was Friend, about a strange nightmare that he had.
“Strange! Last night something weird happened!” – said George Lucas.
“What?” – asked Friend.
“It was as if a creature entered my mind or something!”
“Yeah, strange!”
“And then… a new kind of Star Wars alien appeared in my mind!”
“Another Wookie? Or a new kind of Hutt?”
“No… let’s call it Jar Jar Binks for now!”
“Jar Jar Binks? That’s a goofy name!”
“I think that I am going to use it in my new Star Wars films. I like it!”
“Well… you are the “man”, George!” - said Friend, while rolling his eyes.
“I am going to! I mean… what harm can it cause, anyway?” – asked George Lucas.
“At last! After many years of studying the mystical arts and being the centre of my fellow spellcasters jokes… I did it!” – yelled Mr. Evil.
Igor clapped his master’s efforts. You had to give it him at least that, or else he would start crying for his mother. And Igor was very afraid of Mr. Evil´s mother.
“Good, masther! Good!” – said Igor, while rolling his eyes.
The villain pretended not to notice his servant’s mockery.
“And they said that I was mad! Mad, I tell! Mad! Mu-ah-ah-ahh-ahhhhh!”
“Don’t know why, shir!”
There was a pause. It was a dreadful pause, which was used after someone said a bad joke or farted… usually at the same time.
“Because I “am” mad, Igor!” – said Mr. Evil.
“Oh! Never saw it coming, masther.” – mumbled Igor.
The villain picked up a scroll of some sorts and showed it to his servant.
“And now… the spell of Chaos and Destruction! It will be the end of the world as we know it!” – yelled Mr. Evil.
Igor looked a bit uncertain and then said: “Actually, shir, I don’t know much about it.”
“Shut up, man! You are ruining my evil and chaotic mood!”
“So sorry, masther!”
Bah! Servants! Who needs them anyway? They are only useful at cleaning, cooking, taking care of the garden… Okay, they had their uses. Damn! If only he knew how to cook something besides a sandwich with mustard… and he hated mustard.
“And now… come forward my creature of evil! Minion of Chaos! You shall appear now!” – ordered Mr. Evil.
A dark and mysterious dimensional portal suddenly opened before the villain.
“And now… the mystical words! The ones that I have wasted all of my life looking for… Abra-kadabra!” – said Mr. Evil.
Igor looked a bit confused and then said: “You have wasted your life looking for those words, masther?”
“Shut up!”
Then… a bright light blinded the two men.
“Ah! I can’t see!” – cried Mr. Evil.
“Maybe it is because of the bright light, shir? Just a suggestion.”
“I already told a thousand times to shut… Oh! It is here!”
A strange shape was standing behind the smoke.
“Oh… Is it a Slaad Lord? Or a Tiefling?” – wondered Mr. Evil.
“Worst, masther.” – said Igor.
“How do you know?”
“We, Igors, can sense true “evil” and “chaos”, masther. In a scale of 1 to 10, this guy is a 20.”
“I almost peed in my pants, Igor.”
“Again, shir?”
“Shut up, man!” – yelled Mr. Evil.
Igor nodded calmly and then gestured for his master to carry on with the show.
“Creature! Appear! Now!” – said the villain.
The creature appeared from behind the smoke.
“It is… strange looking, no?” – said Mr. Evil.
“Tell me about it, shir!” – said Igor.
“Hello!” – said the creature.
“What is your vile and corrupted name, oh fiend from Chaos?” – asked Mr. Evil.
“Mesa is named Jar Jar Binks!” – said the creature.
“Jar Jar… What? That’s not very chaotic!” – said Mr. Evil.
“No? Mesa is very happy! Yousa is very nice bubby!” – said Jar Jar Binks.
“I am a what? I feel offended, but I don’t know what he said!”
“He is odd…” – mumbled Igor.
“Oh? That’s the opinion of an Igor? Igor that is full of stitches and of dead people parts?” – growled Mr. Evil.
“Yes.”
“Whoa! He must be really odd!”
“My point, shir!”
“Yousa want to play?” – asked Jar Jar Binks.
“Errr… No! I will test him, Igor! You there… creature…” – said Mr. Evil.
“Mesa is Jar Jar, you funny clowney!”
“Again with the insults! Make chaos! Now!”
“What? You want mesa to make a poopoo?”
“A what?”
“I won’t translate it, shir!” – said Igor.
“Just do something, Jar Jar!” – ordered Mr. Evil.
…
Some time after… The evil lair was completely destroyed and on fire…
“My house! My work! All gone!”- cried Mr. Evil.
“Yes, shir…” – said Igor.
“How? What? When?”
“The creature touched a bottle that was full of exploding stuff, shir.”
“The one that said “Don’t touch”, Igor?”
“Afraid so, masther. And then he tried put off the fire, but instead of picking up the jar full of water, he picked up an even more explosive bottle… Dramatic, shir!”
“More explosions, then?”
“And then pushed you and you fell off the tower. You are lucky to be alive!”
“I remember now… What did he say afterwards?” – asked Mr. Evil.
“I think it was “Sorry! Oppsss… Mesa made a poopoo!”, masther.” – said Igor.
“I wanted Chaos… But this is too much! Maybe some Red Squirrels or a Red Dragon… But this creature… it is pure evil!”
“I have to agree with you, shir.”
“I will send it to a place where it will not cause any harm!” – said Mr. Evil.
The villain opened a portal and then tricked the creature into entering the mysterious gateway to another dimension.
“Thank you, shir! This may be the start of a beautiful friendship!” – said Igor.
“Shut up!” – yelled Mr. Evil.
…
In another dimension…
George Lucas, proud creator of Star Wars, was talking to a friend, whose name was Friend, about a strange nightmare that he had.
“Strange! Last night something weird happened!” – said George Lucas.
“What?” – asked Friend.
“It was as if a creature entered my mind or something!”
“Yeah, strange!”
“And then… a new kind of Star Wars alien appeared in my mind!”
“Another Wookie? Or a new kind of Hutt?”
“No… let’s call it Jar Jar Binks for now!”
“Jar Jar Binks? That’s a goofy name!”
“I think that I am going to use it in my new Star Wars films. I like it!”
“Well… you are the “man”, George!” - said Friend, while rolling his eyes.
“I am going to! I mean… what harm can it cause, anyway?” – asked George Lucas.
